Tuff Mudder 2014
See us August 3rd
The Cromar Crew
The intention here is to make you smile, not always easy, possibly not apt at this moment in time for some, but its a fact that it is impossible to do bad things or act in a bad way when you smile, so go on, even though you might think the world is against you try it and if it works pass it on :)
Doctor said I had to take a sample of my urine, stool, and sperm in for examination, "How the hell am I expected to do that" I asked? My Wife kindly chirped up, "Leave him your underpants".............
Had a dream last night that Gloria Gaynor was stood at the foot of my bed; At first I was afraid then I was petrified!
Was thinking of buying a labrador until someone pointed out how many of their owners went blind!
Stood at cashpoint and a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
“Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”
I've got nothing against the Chinese. Don't get me Wong.
“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”
People often say "what got you into benches", Well it started when I found myself sleeping on one!!!!
"Always go to other peoples funerals or they won't go to yours"
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard
The bible says judge a tree by its fruits, Andy and Alan, what fantastic fruit did we create.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Hope is a good breakfast but a lousy supper.
I do not intend to tiptoe gently through life only to arrive safely at death
A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!
He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
I showed up late for work, the boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" I said: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
A fish swimming in a river suddenly comes to a full stop, Dam
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor." the husband said "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself!".
I made my girlfriends dreams come true and married her in a castle. You wouldn’t have thought it though from the miserable look on her face as we were bouncing around!
After shagging Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are 2 things you all need to know. She really is as sexy as hell, secondly the staff at Madam Tussauds are miserable bastards with no sense of humour!!
Said to my mate today "Why you looking so happy?" he said " The missus had one of those procedures done at hospital today that would put a smile on the face of any bloke" I said " What a breast enlargement?" he replied " No a post mortem!"
Took the other half to a Disco last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, backflips, moonwalking the works. Other half says " That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down" I replied " looks like he is still celebrating"
The Queens Royal Corgis are delighted to see Prince Phillip back at The Palace as they will no longer be blamed for peeing on the sofa!
Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...
A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanics swimming pool was still full.
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